April Fool's Day This was a joke. The bottle is not haunted. You are welcome to keep reading.
⚠   Important Notice

Do not buy
this bottle.

Close this page. Please. It is not too late.

Bell's Original — mirror test. Reflection absent.
Private Sale — Single Bottle

Bell's Original
"The Haunted Bottle"

70cl  ·  40% ABV

This is a true listing. At the request of the consignor, certain details have been withheld. Out of respect for the dead, the rest has been told exactly as it occurred.

This bottle is offered for sale in good faith, and with considerable unease.

Believed to have been purchased at the Co-operative supermarket in Bowmore during a £5 off promotional event circa 2018. The transaction took approximately four minutes, including time spent locating a basket.

Capsule intact. Label showing minor wear consistent with age. Fill level: high shoulder.

During an inspection, the bottle was carried past a mirror. No reflection was observed. A second mirror was sourced from a nearby room. No reflection was observed. A third mirror was purchased. No reflection was observed. Results were consistent. This was not the outcome anyone had been hoping for.

Three institutions were contacted for comment. Two did not reply. The third replied promptly but asked to be removed from future correspondence.

The consignor has asked that the sale be concluded before the next full moon.

On three separate nights I have been discovered standing in front of the cabinet in which the bottle is securely stored, apparently having walked there from my bed. I have no recollection of these episodes.

I consulted my GP, who suggested I reduce my caffeine intake. With respect, I do not believe caffeine is the issue.

Frankly, I do not wish to sell this bottle.

But I must.

He requires it.

He demands it.

I am merely the vessel through which it will pass to its next keeper.

Apologies. I'm not sure what came over me there. As I was saying: excellent condition, sensibly priced, free local delivery available on request (subject to lunar cycle).

Blair Bowman — Whisky Consultant & Rare Cask Broker

The following statement was submitted by the consignor and is reproduced here in full at their insistence. One passage has been removed. Our lawyers would not tell us why. They seemed relieved for some reason.

I write to you from circumstances which I shall not fully describe, save to say that I am no longer entirely at liberty to retain this bottle within my household.

It has been a companion of sorts. These things, objects which take on a life beyond their station, can become good friends to a man over many years and afford him many hours of pleasure.

Alas, this one has not.

I pray you will forgive me that I cannot speak more plainly. I have dwelt already on more of this matter than I care to recount, and I do not linger further.

I love the shade and the shadow, and would be alone with my thoughts when I may. This bottle does not permit me that peace. It requires an audience. My full and constant attention, which I regret to say I cannot give, for I am a man with many important affairs in hand.

I ask only that you proceed with the utmost expedition.

Pray do not let courtesy or hesitation delay you.

Come freely. Go safely.

But would that that were all.

— The Consignor

(Name withheld at their request. Location withheld at ours.)
"The absence of a mirror reflection is, to my knowledge, without precedent in the literature. I am not in the business of speculating wildly. I cannot say with certainty that this bottle is haunted. What I can say, with certainty, is that I no longer believe in mirrors."
Dr Ronnie Oatcakes
Independent Paranormal Food & Beverage Expert
Dr Oatcakes declined to take the bottle home for further study. He left the building at a pace one witness described as "not quite running."

The photography team are thanked for their professionalism and commitment under difficult conditions.

All crew were issued with crucifixes, garlic, holy water, and communion wafers. Three of the crew requested additional garlic. This was provided without question.

One crew member, upon completing the shoot, was observed to have aged perceptibly about the eyes and nose. He tendered his resignation in writing and has since relocated to Romania (formerly Transylvania), where he is understood to be well.

This listing does not constitute a recommendation to purchase. Many things are available. This is one of the things that should not be.

If you are considering purchasing this bottle we recommend closing this page, going for a walk, and calling someone you trust.

Do not buy this bottle. Please. We are asking you. We are begging you. There are thousands of other bottles of whisky available and none of them have done what this one has done. Buy one of those. Preferably several. Just not this one. For your sake, and the sake of everyone who cares about you, and frankly for our sake too because we have been trying to sell this thing for weeks and every day it is still here is a day we have to think about it as we try to escape this nightmare.

Do not buy this bottle.

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